I haven't been on here in over a year, but I'm so lost tonight. I don't know where to go. It's been building for a while.

I tried to find an online support group - preferably with lds perspective - for wives of pornography addict. The only one I came across was on lds.net, and it has been super dead lately - which is really sad. It's been very valuable for me in the past when I've been struggling.

Anyways, here I am tonight. My husband says he's 'doing good' since the last time I caught him, which was March. I usually believe him, but who really knows. There's nothing I can count on. He hasn't tried to rebuild a relationship of trust with me. He's been told how - good books, counselor, probably his pornography addict support group.

I feel like his addiction, and the turmoil that has happened becuase of it has destroyed me. And maybe I've let it, but I tried hard for a long time. I'm just out of energy. I'm so tired of being me. being here. I'm so alone. I thin kI'm losing my testimony to a certain degree. I'm in and out of being suicidal. It's really only concern for my children that prevents me from planning it - I believe. I know they need me, but I'm doing a worse and worse job over the years - my confidence waivers sometimes about whether they need me or not. I wish my husband could love. I don't even care if it's not me. If he could love someone else, and they would love my children, I'd step right out of here and let them all move on together.

I'm so much less than I used to be. I used to have so many goals, so much drive, so much energy, so much focus, so much spirituality, so many good habits, and so much potential. I don't know how it's happened, but I've just been ruined. I guess I logically know that I make my own choices. I must've let this happen, but how was I supposed to hold it together? Where am I supposed to draw more strength from? Spirituality? That takes an investment that I just don't have anymore.

I'm lost and I'm tired and I'm hopeless.

For years (much longer than the 3 years that I've known about the addiction) I have struggled with wishing my husband would help me feel loved. I've read some of the silly books. I've heard counselors and worked on discovering how I feel loved. He says he can't do it. It feels awkward to say good things about me. I guess I have a selfish neediness to be admired, but I long so badly when I hear other people talk about how/why they admire their spouses. I want to be admired by my husband. I used to be a very admirable person. I did a lot of good things. And I was admired actually, by many people in my family and at church. But we've moved. People in the last 2 houses and 2 communities haven't really known me. Not to mention how much I've regressed as a person.

I have NO support in this. Every support I've had has been taken away from me. A few weeks ago I finally went to the bishop in desperation. I was thiking about leaving my husnadm. I knew I could take the kids and at least stay at my Mom's for the summer - who knew what would happen after that. He heard me, and made a few efforts to help. He met with my husband twice over the summer. Well guess what - ward boundary change!! Hahaha. I'm not even in the same stake anymore. In a year or so we should be moving again too - probably out of state.

I could tell you a list probably 30 things long that my husband dislikes about me, but as far as his likes (and I really wouldn't even say 'loves'), the list would be short and mostly shallow - things any acquaintance could say about me - it wouldn't take a husband to notice that I'm 'good at organizing' or something stupid like that.

I can't go to counseling because we a) can't afford it - money is very tight, though we do have the money, it would make our budget even harder to survive on. b) we can't ask the church because we could actually pay for it if we were willing (I think) c) we can't ask family who also have the money and would be willing to help because they don't know. Dan isn't cool with telling anyone. Yes, I used his name. I don't care. I kinda feel like posting his address and phone number too. I need counseling. He needs counseling. We also need marital counseling. BUT, it's $45 co-pay each time and the progress is slow and that's just a lot of money to spend. I always think it's worth it in my despair, but then I push my despair into the closet so that I can take care of my kids needs - get them off to school, fed, clothed, homeworked, activitied, and every other support they need, and once my despair is in the closet, it can just eat away at me where I'm not paying attention and to the busy Mom that steps in, $45 per visit is just not worth it - not to mention the great effort of arranging babysitting. AND, it's really hard to get Dan in there because he never knows his schedule ahead of time in his field of work.

We try to read books, but I really don't feel like he hears when we read the things that mean something to me - when I want to just fall into his arms and bawl. Instead I have to look away. I don't like to make eye contact with him because I feel so hurt. He doesn't really look at me - I think he did at the beginning of our marriage. But now he doesn't look at me and I am embarrassed to look at him in the eye. I don't even know why. I'm also embarrassed to tell him my feelings - maybe because every once in a while when I do he belittles me and says horrible things like tonight when I told him (after a long conversation) that I was really feeling suicidal and he jumped on me that it was a bunch of crap that I think I can just play that card an then he's not supposed to say anything.

I can't get positive feedback from him about anything - I always seek it, but in return I'm given factual analysis of the flaws - it seriously feels like EVERY TIME. But what is really easy to get out of him is things he doesn't like about me. He thinks I'm a bitch. He thinks I waste time on the computer (and I do now - but I didn't used to). He thinks I suck at taking care of the house. He thinks I spend too much money (and I'm seriously one of the most frugal people I've ever met. I literally buy ALL my children's clothing besides underwear, socks, and occasionally another item here or there, at GARAGE SALES. I coupon religiously - at great cost to myself and my tiredness and exhaustion. I always find myself in the store with at least 2 kids - up to 4. And I do it anyways. I also track every penny spent in financial software and present it to him on a regular basis. We have a very thorough budget. Doesn't prevent him from finding flaws in my spending though. He doesn't like the way I keep house on the days I don't try very hard or am too busy to make it happen. BUT he doesn't notice when I do. Sometimes I point it out - that I scrubbed the floors or all the bathrooms or something and he'll say "I noticed. I thought about saying something." But he doesn't say anything. He gets mad at me for wanting to help people too. He's always pointing out the ways that it infringes on our family. SERIOUSLY?! Why can't I help people. That's just wrong. I hate it. I coudl go on and on, but I'm getting too sarcastic and angry in my writing about this.

New subject.

I want the best for my kids, but I don't know what it is. Am I strong enough to continue on in a loveless marriage? It doesn't really look like it. Am I strong enough to divorce him and do it on my own? No - I have no resources, no job options, no family I could live with. I've got nothing. Can I stick it out, keep trying, and hope that he'll change? I think he thinks he already did. I think he thinks I'm just crazy (oh ya, add that to the list of things he'll tell me). He thinks this is all in my head. I have problems concentrating - very bad problems that I never used to have - but it couldn't possibly be because I'm traumatized by what he's done to me. It's probably because I spend too much time on the computer and I don't care enough to do differently. I have pain, a lot of pain in my back, in my neck. It's not because I carry my stress there and my whole life feels hopeless. It's because I don't eat well enough. I wish that I didn't exist and that I could undo my whole life and God woudl send my beautiful precious children to other better parents instead, but it's not because I have depression and need help. It's because I'm a stupid ungrateful bitch. I can't seem to get stuff done, but it's not because I need counseling and medicine. It's because I'm lazy. I need desperately to feel loved, but it's not because all my support system has been ripped out from under me and my entire marriage has been a fraud and my husband is a pornography addict who doesn't think that it has affected his ability to love. It's because I'm crazy, needy, I don't know how to accept love, and I always blam other people for all my problems.

I know I'm a flawed person. And I know that after these years of struggling with this by myself, I have become most of those crappy things I just said. But I didn't used to be like this. It's not who I am. I could be so much more. But I don't know how. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am so alone and so lost. I'm so heart=broken about all that I've lost - all that I used to be that I'm not now.

Where do I go? Who can help me? Why can't I feel anymore? That's the trouble - or part of it at least - in what's lacking with my spirituality. I just can't feel. It takes so much work to cry,. I can't do it. I wish I could. I can't really feel anything besides anger anymore, and spiritual things are on the list.

I've got to stop writing.