A Summary of the Story

As an introduction, I'd like to share a briefer version of the story - including the past and present situation. When I found out my husband was addicted to pornography, the first thing I looked for was if there was anyone that could share a story of hope with me - a success story giving hope that someone's husband was in a continued state of recovery from this addiction - hope that someone felt that their hopes and dreams for the future, once crushed, had been restored - especially for their eternal future. My despair was only added to when I searched and scoured the internet and coudln't find any 'success stories'. This is the reason I am publishing my journey in a blog.

I found out in July 2008 that my husband (since 2002) had been addicted to pornography since his middle school years (early 90s). This tore my world apart from it's very foundation. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom with a bunch of beautiful children, a loving gospel-centered husband, and a strong family life.

A small part of me actually felt relieved when I found out - at least now I had an explanation for why he and I together did not have a spiritual relationship. I had forced us to go through the motions on and off for our entire marriage, but we still didn't have a spiritual home - and that was evident in a lot of our other family and parenting problems. He was never the spiritual leader that I thought I had married. At first I felt like 'not I know the source' of so much of my continual pain, and I felt it was a fixable source.

That quickly changed as I learned more about pornography, as I learned more about the scope of my husband's problems, and especially as I couldn't find anyone who coudl share long-term hope from their own experiences. It is so painful to be thrown into this battle alone - all the grief, confusion, pain, and the endless list of torturing emotions. You can't tell people what's going on - he didn't want to, and frankly, I wasn't sure there was anyone in my life who could really understand without passing judgements on him that could have lasting consequences. Feeling so alone was probably the worst part for me. I wanted to ball to everyone in my life who knew me and loved me, but I couldn't. Sometimes they could tell I was a wreck, but I couldn't tell them why - just that 'life was hard'.

In the first few months after I caught him (he didn't tell me, I had to play detective) I learned more and more about the double life he led. He had secret bank accounts, he spent thousands of dollars (which is A LOT for our finances) on things he wanted. He went to horrible movies on his lunch break. He had smoked marijuana while we were married - WHAT?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I'll be completely honest here - I did that in high school - I was very rebellious, had lots of problems, and that is a part of my past. But it was in HIGH SCHOOL and never for even a fraction of a second have I ever looked back and thought I would do that again - not in a million years! We were married in the temple, which first implies a level of sacrifice to be worthy, but also we made covenants to eachother and God. I repented of my past over a decade ago. That was just crazy. He also did other things that were illegal - I'm scared to even write them! Who does that?

My life was unraveling much faster than I was prepared for. I never could've even dreamed all this up. And I won't even try to describe the web of lies that I dug and scraped through to finally figure all these things out. Somehow I never was able to find evidence of him doing any acting out with real people - he said he'd considered going into a strip club, but didn't - but how am I supposed to believe that? I got a little crazy once and called a bunch of his female contacts from work - acting like I had accidentally called the wrong contact. It has only been in the last few months that I finally believe him about that. How could I have before? It didn't matter how much 'clean' evidence there ever was for me to find. I couldn't believe him until I was convinced spiritually. Amazingly enough, he has finally started living in such a way that I desire to be better because of how devoted he is. For the first 7 years of our marriage I never thought that could be possible. But now when he looks me in the eyes and tells me something, I can believe him. I asked him a few months ago for the final time about the 'real people' interactions, and finally, I believe him.

His most recent relapse was in the fall while on a trip for a job interview. He watched an R rated movie in his hotel room and acted on it. He voluntarily told me a few weeks later and since then has worked obviously aggressively harder to fortify himself spiritually everyday.

I have finally returned to a point emotionally where I feel like thigns could really be okay - things coudl really turn out like I had hoped. There is love in my marriage again - probably more than there ever was to begin with in some ways. I have started feeling the spirit WITH my husband and not just on my own without him. I am starting to be able to share spiritual feeling siwth him and discuss promptings and ideas. But, as I'm going to elaborate on in a minute - it hasn't been my husband's better decision-making that has made things okay for me. I had to learn a harder lesson first - I had to be 'okay' for myself, and I had to get there long before he started to really show change.

Things aren't perfect. He still drives me crazy in lots of ways that probably any husband would. We still get frustrated with each other often. And life is still hard - man - major major challenges still in other parts of life that are totally unrelated to this. BUT, life is finally hard in a way that can still feel okay. I can still have peace.

I share this story becaue I want to be the hand reaching back from a little ways up the road telling you that there is hope. Life can be okay again - we are living proof. I do have to reiterate though, life turned around inside of me a long time before it turned around for my husband. He went to counseling and read things that I asked him to, but he didn't really try to recover for a long time. I think losing his job was one of the final straws in bringing him the humility he needed to depend on the Lord and really work to make things better.

Before things were okay with my husband, I invested a lot of effort trying to find a way for my life to be okay REGARDLESS of him - and what a painful journey. It seemed to impossible for me to be happy and hopeful about life when the thing that was ruining it was out of my control to fix. How could I be okay when everything - my entire future here on earth and after - depended on my stupid husband and his horrible decision-making? It seemed so impossible. My only solace was the aggressive pursuit of a doctrinal solution. I read many books, but the most helpful was "Lord I Believe; help you my unbelief" by Ron Jeppsen. While reading that book and working through all the questions in the workbook sections (it was like my own personal therapist), I highlighted every scriptural reference and started keeping track of those scriptures and studying them for my personal study. I had to find a lot of strength to study and pray when what I often wanted to do more than anything else was die or not exist anymore - and I very well might've if I hadn't known my children would end up in the care of my in-laws :). But for the sake of protecting my children, I soldiered on and just begged Heavenly Father over and over to take away the pain and help me see how the gospel could make things okay for me even with my husband not holding up his end of the deal with our covenants. And, in time - throuch continued prayer and study, it became more and more clear. Heavenly Father erally did help me see that with or without the devotion of my husband, I woudl be okay. Letting that become my reality has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have forgotten it over and over as I have struggled with my husband's problems and my own weaknesses and feelings of worthlessness. Heavenly Father has continued to guid my studies to fortify me in the ways that I need. And, as I grew stronger, so did the peace in my life. In time my husband started coming around too - especially when he lost his job. But, I believe Heavenly Father wanted me to learn first for myself that my well-being and my happiness and peace depend on me - not on my husband (and of course it can only come through the Savior, but I have to choose to invite that healing in, and hold to the rod myself - then let Heavenly Father work everything else out).

I don't want to skip over the fact that we also used a lot of supplemental tools to help aid this process along. Everything from counseling for him, for me, and for us together, talk tapes, books and books and more books, medication (I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline post-traumatic stress syndrome) the church's 12 step program, Ensign talks, documentaries on BYU TV about pornography and addiction recovery, support groups online, support groups in person (my husband never actually went, but the wives group was helpful for me), and a lot of perserverance. We pretty much have used every resource we can get our hands on - it's like a part-time job. But the effort is so worth it when you start feeling the healing.

It hurts me inside to know that so many women will have to continue on in life without having their husbands make necessary changes. But I want wives of addicts to know that things might get better for your husband, and they can definitely get better for you. I don't want to minimize your pain in any way because I know - it was literally almost the end of me. But I want to testify as strongly as I can that Heavenly Father has peace for you - never-ending-love that he wants to fill your heart with. I think He lets us grieve - people need to do that, but He doesn't intend for us to do this all alone.

I woudl love my circumstances to be a source of hope for anyone who needs it. Not all hopes come to fruition, but sometimes they can serve a purpose anyways just by giving us the strength to keep going.

If you are a wife of an addict, I love you. I woudl love to be a listening ear, a virtual-style shoulder to cry on :), a resource to help you find more resources that are available - anything I can offer. When this first his for me, I really longed for just one person that I could connect with who would really hear me out through everything. I eventually did find that, and I'd love to offer that to any of you.

Love,
Me