I haven't been on here in over a year, but I'm so lost tonight. I don't know where to go. It's been building for a while.
I tried to find an online support group - preferably with lds perspective - for wives of pornography addict. The only one I came across was on lds.net, and it has been super dead lately - which is really sad. It's been very valuable for me in the past when I've been struggling.
Anyways, here I am tonight. My husband says he's 'doing good' since the last time I caught him, which was March. I usually believe him, but who really knows. There's nothing I can count on. He hasn't tried to rebuild a relationship of trust with me. He's been told how - good books, counselor, probably his pornography addict support group.
I feel like his addiction, and the turmoil that has happened becuase of it has destroyed me. And maybe I've let it, but I tried hard for a long time. I'm just out of energy. I'm so tired of being me. being here. I'm so alone. I thin kI'm losing my testimony to a certain degree. I'm in and out of being suicidal. It's really only concern for my children that prevents me from planning it - I believe. I know they need me, but I'm doing a worse and worse job over the years - my confidence waivers sometimes about whether they need me or not. I wish my husband could love. I don't even care if it's not me. If he could love someone else, and they would love my children, I'd step right out of here and let them all move on together.
I'm so much less than I used to be. I used to have so many goals, so much drive, so much energy, so much focus, so much spirituality, so many good habits, and so much potential. I don't know how it's happened, but I've just been ruined. I guess I logically know that I make my own choices. I must've let this happen, but how was I supposed to hold it together? Where am I supposed to draw more strength from? Spirituality? That takes an investment that I just don't have anymore.
I'm lost and I'm tired and I'm hopeless.
For years (much longer than the 3 years that I've known about the addiction) I have struggled with wishing my husband would help me feel loved. I've read some of the silly books. I've heard counselors and worked on discovering how I feel loved. He says he can't do it. It feels awkward to say good things about me. I guess I have a selfish neediness to be admired, but I long so badly when I hear other people talk about how/why they admire their spouses. I want to be admired by my husband. I used to be a very admirable person. I did a lot of good things. And I was admired actually, by many people in my family and at church. But we've moved. People in the last 2 houses and 2 communities haven't really known me. Not to mention how much I've regressed as a person.
I have NO support in this. Every support I've had has been taken away from me. A few weeks ago I finally went to the bishop in desperation. I was thiking about leaving my husnadm. I knew I could take the kids and at least stay at my Mom's for the summer - who knew what would happen after that. He heard me, and made a few efforts to help. He met with my husband twice over the summer. Well guess what - ward boundary change!! Hahaha. I'm not even in the same stake anymore. In a year or so we should be moving again too - probably out of state.
I could tell you a list probably 30 things long that my husband dislikes about me, but as far as his likes (and I really wouldn't even say 'loves'), the list would be short and mostly shallow - things any acquaintance could say about me - it wouldn't take a husband to notice that I'm 'good at organizing' or something stupid like that.
I can't go to counseling because we a) can't afford it - money is very tight, though we do have the money, it would make our budget even harder to survive on. b) we can't ask the church because we could actually pay for it if we were willing (I think) c) we can't ask family who also have the money and would be willing to help because they don't know. Dan isn't cool with telling anyone. Yes, I used his name. I don't care. I kinda feel like posting his address and phone number too. I need counseling. He needs counseling. We also need marital counseling. BUT, it's $45 co-pay each time and the progress is slow and that's just a lot of money to spend. I always think it's worth it in my despair, but then I push my despair into the closet so that I can take care of my kids needs - get them off to school, fed, clothed, homeworked, activitied, and every other support they need, and once my despair is in the closet, it can just eat away at me where I'm not paying attention and to the busy Mom that steps in, $45 per visit is just not worth it - not to mention the great effort of arranging babysitting. AND, it's really hard to get Dan in there because he never knows his schedule ahead of time in his field of work.
We try to read books, but I really don't feel like he hears when we read the things that mean something to me - when I want to just fall into his arms and bawl. Instead I have to look away. I don't like to make eye contact with him because I feel so hurt. He doesn't really look at me - I think he did at the beginning of our marriage. But now he doesn't look at me and I am embarrassed to look at him in the eye. I don't even know why. I'm also embarrassed to tell him my feelings - maybe because every once in a while when I do he belittles me and says horrible things like tonight when I told him (after a long conversation) that I was really feeling suicidal and he jumped on me that it was a bunch of crap that I think I can just play that card an then he's not supposed to say anything.
I can't get positive feedback from him about anything - I always seek it, but in return I'm given factual analysis of the flaws - it seriously feels like EVERY TIME. But what is really easy to get out of him is things he doesn't like about me. He thinks I'm a bitch. He thinks I waste time on the computer (and I do now - but I didn't used to). He thinks I suck at taking care of the house. He thinks I spend too much money (and I'm seriously one of the most frugal people I've ever met. I literally buy ALL my children's clothing besides underwear, socks, and occasionally another item here or there, at GARAGE SALES. I coupon religiously - at great cost to myself and my tiredness and exhaustion. I always find myself in the store with at least 2 kids - up to 4. And I do it anyways. I also track every penny spent in financial software and present it to him on a regular basis. We have a very thorough budget. Doesn't prevent him from finding flaws in my spending though. He doesn't like the way I keep house on the days I don't try very hard or am too busy to make it happen. BUT he doesn't notice when I do. Sometimes I point it out - that I scrubbed the floors or all the bathrooms or something and he'll say "I noticed. I thought about saying something." But he doesn't say anything. He gets mad at me for wanting to help people too. He's always pointing out the ways that it infringes on our family. SERIOUSLY?! Why can't I help people. That's just wrong. I hate it. I coudl go on and on, but I'm getting too sarcastic and angry in my writing about this.
New subject.
I want the best for my kids, but I don't know what it is. Am I strong enough to continue on in a loveless marriage? It doesn't really look like it. Am I strong enough to divorce him and do it on my own? No - I have no resources, no job options, no family I could live with. I've got nothing. Can I stick it out, keep trying, and hope that he'll change? I think he thinks he already did. I think he thinks I'm just crazy (oh ya, add that to the list of things he'll tell me). He thinks this is all in my head. I have problems concentrating - very bad problems that I never used to have - but it couldn't possibly be because I'm traumatized by what he's done to me. It's probably because I spend too much time on the computer and I don't care enough to do differently. I have pain, a lot of pain in my back, in my neck. It's not because I carry my stress there and my whole life feels hopeless. It's because I don't eat well enough. I wish that I didn't exist and that I could undo my whole life and God woudl send my beautiful precious children to other better parents instead, but it's not because I have depression and need help. It's because I'm a stupid ungrateful bitch. I can't seem to get stuff done, but it's not because I need counseling and medicine. It's because I'm lazy. I need desperately to feel loved, but it's not because all my support system has been ripped out from under me and my entire marriage has been a fraud and my husband is a pornography addict who doesn't think that it has affected his ability to love. It's because I'm crazy, needy, I don't know how to accept love, and I always blam other people for all my problems.
I know I'm a flawed person. And I know that after these years of struggling with this by myself, I have become most of those crappy things I just said. But I didn't used to be like this. It's not who I am. I could be so much more. But I don't know how. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am so alone and so lost. I'm so heart=broken about all that I've lost - all that I used to be that I'm not now.
Where do I go? Who can help me? Why can't I feel anymore? That's the trouble - or part of it at least - in what's lacking with my spirituality. I just can't feel. It takes so much work to cry,. I can't do it. I wish I could. I can't really feel anything besides anger anymore, and spiritual things are on the list.
I've got to stop writing.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Summary of the Story
As an introduction, I'd like to share a briefer version of the story - including the past and present situation. When I found out my husband was addicted to pornography, the first thing I looked for was if there was anyone that could share a story of hope with me - a success story giving hope that someone's husband was in a continued state of recovery from this addiction - hope that someone felt that their hopes and dreams for the future, once crushed, had been restored - especially for their eternal future. My despair was only added to when I searched and scoured the internet and coudln't find any 'success stories'. This is the reason I am publishing my journey in a blog.
I found out in July 2008 that my husband (since 2002) had been addicted to pornography since his middle school years (early 90s). This tore my world apart from it's very foundation. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom with a bunch of beautiful children, a loving gospel-centered husband, and a strong family life.
A small part of me actually felt relieved when I found out - at least now I had an explanation for why he and I together did not have a spiritual relationship. I had forced us to go through the motions on and off for our entire marriage, but we still didn't have a spiritual home - and that was evident in a lot of our other family and parenting problems. He was never the spiritual leader that I thought I had married. At first I felt like 'not I know the source' of so much of my continual pain, and I felt it was a fixable source.
That quickly changed as I learned more about pornography, as I learned more about the scope of my husband's problems, and especially as I couldn't find anyone who coudl share long-term hope from their own experiences. It is so painful to be thrown into this battle alone - all the grief, confusion, pain, and the endless list of torturing emotions. You can't tell people what's going on - he didn't want to, and frankly, I wasn't sure there was anyone in my life who could really understand without passing judgements on him that could have lasting consequences. Feeling so alone was probably the worst part for me. I wanted to ball to everyone in my life who knew me and loved me, but I couldn't. Sometimes they could tell I was a wreck, but I couldn't tell them why - just that 'life was hard'.
In the first few months after I caught him (he didn't tell me, I had to play detective) I learned more and more about the double life he led. He had secret bank accounts, he spent thousands of dollars (which is A LOT for our finances) on things he wanted. He went to horrible movies on his lunch break. He had smoked marijuana while we were married - WHAT?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I'll be completely honest here - I did that in high school - I was very rebellious, had lots of problems, and that is a part of my past. But it was in HIGH SCHOOL and never for even a fraction of a second have I ever looked back and thought I would do that again - not in a million years! We were married in the temple, which first implies a level of sacrifice to be worthy, but also we made covenants to eachother and God. I repented of my past over a decade ago. That was just crazy. He also did other things that were illegal - I'm scared to even write them! Who does that?
My life was unraveling much faster than I was prepared for. I never could've even dreamed all this up. And I won't even try to describe the web of lies that I dug and scraped through to finally figure all these things out. Somehow I never was able to find evidence of him doing any acting out with real people - he said he'd considered going into a strip club, but didn't - but how am I supposed to believe that? I got a little crazy once and called a bunch of his female contacts from work - acting like I had accidentally called the wrong contact. It has only been in the last few months that I finally believe him about that. How could I have before? It didn't matter how much 'clean' evidence there ever was for me to find. I couldn't believe him until I was convinced spiritually. Amazingly enough, he has finally started living in such a way that I desire to be better because of how devoted he is. For the first 7 years of our marriage I never thought that could be possible. But now when he looks me in the eyes and tells me something, I can believe him. I asked him a few months ago for the final time about the 'real people' interactions, and finally, I believe him.
His most recent relapse was in the fall while on a trip for a job interview. He watched an R rated movie in his hotel room and acted on it. He voluntarily told me a few weeks later and since then has worked obviously aggressively harder to fortify himself spiritually everyday.
I have finally returned to a point emotionally where I feel like thigns could really be okay - things coudl really turn out like I had hoped. There is love in my marriage again - probably more than there ever was to begin with in some ways. I have started feeling the spirit WITH my husband and not just on my own without him. I am starting to be able to share spiritual feeling siwth him and discuss promptings and ideas. But, as I'm going to elaborate on in a minute - it hasn't been my husband's better decision-making that has made things okay for me. I had to learn a harder lesson first - I had to be 'okay' for myself, and I had to get there long before he started to really show change.
Things aren't perfect. He still drives me crazy in lots of ways that probably any husband would. We still get frustrated with each other often. And life is still hard - man - major major challenges still in other parts of life that are totally unrelated to this. BUT, life is finally hard in a way that can still feel okay. I can still have peace.
I share this story becaue I want to be the hand reaching back from a little ways up the road telling you that there is hope. Life can be okay again - we are living proof. I do have to reiterate though, life turned around inside of me a long time before it turned around for my husband. He went to counseling and read things that I asked him to, but he didn't really try to recover for a long time. I think losing his job was one of the final straws in bringing him the humility he needed to depend on the Lord and really work to make things better.
Before things were okay with my husband, I invested a lot of effort trying to find a way for my life to be okay REGARDLESS of him - and what a painful journey. It seemed to impossible for me to be happy and hopeful about life when the thing that was ruining it was out of my control to fix. How could I be okay when everything - my entire future here on earth and after - depended on my stupid husband and his horrible decision-making? It seemed so impossible. My only solace was the aggressive pursuit of a doctrinal solution. I read many books, but the most helpful was "Lord I Believe; help you my unbelief" by Ron Jeppsen. While reading that book and working through all the questions in the workbook sections (it was like my own personal therapist), I highlighted every scriptural reference and started keeping track of those scriptures and studying them for my personal study. I had to find a lot of strength to study and pray when what I often wanted to do more than anything else was die or not exist anymore - and I very well might've if I hadn't known my children would end up in the care of my in-laws :). But for the sake of protecting my children, I soldiered on and just begged Heavenly Father over and over to take away the pain and help me see how the gospel could make things okay for me even with my husband not holding up his end of the deal with our covenants. And, in time - throuch continued prayer and study, it became more and more clear. Heavenly Father erally did help me see that with or without the devotion of my husband, I woudl be okay. Letting that become my reality has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have forgotten it over and over as I have struggled with my husband's problems and my own weaknesses and feelings of worthlessness. Heavenly Father has continued to guid my studies to fortify me in the ways that I need. And, as I grew stronger, so did the peace in my life. In time my husband started coming around too - especially when he lost his job. But, I believe Heavenly Father wanted me to learn first for myself that my well-being and my happiness and peace depend on me - not on my husband (and of course it can only come through the Savior, but I have to choose to invite that healing in, and hold to the rod myself - then let Heavenly Father work everything else out).
I don't want to skip over the fact that we also used a lot of supplemental tools to help aid this process along. Everything from counseling for him, for me, and for us together, talk tapes, books and books and more books, medication (I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline post-traumatic stress syndrome) the church's 12 step program, Ensign talks, documentaries on BYU TV about pornography and addiction recovery, support groups online, support groups in person (my husband never actually went, but the wives group was helpful for me), and a lot of perserverance. We pretty much have used every resource we can get our hands on - it's like a part-time job. But the effort is so worth it when you start feeling the healing.
It hurts me inside to know that so many women will have to continue on in life without having their husbands make necessary changes. But I want wives of addicts to know that things might get better for your husband, and they can definitely get better for you. I don't want to minimize your pain in any way because I know - it was literally almost the end of me. But I want to testify as strongly as I can that Heavenly Father has peace for you - never-ending-love that he wants to fill your heart with. I think He lets us grieve - people need to do that, but He doesn't intend for us to do this all alone.
I woudl love my circumstances to be a source of hope for anyone who needs it. Not all hopes come to fruition, but sometimes they can serve a purpose anyways just by giving us the strength to keep going.
If you are a wife of an addict, I love you. I woudl love to be a listening ear, a virtual-style shoulder to cry on :), a resource to help you find more resources that are available - anything I can offer. When this first his for me, I really longed for just one person that I could connect with who would really hear me out through everything. I eventually did find that, and I'd love to offer that to any of you.
Love,
Me
I found out in July 2008 that my husband (since 2002) had been addicted to pornography since his middle school years (early 90s). This tore my world apart from it's very foundation. All I ever wanted was to be a Mom with a bunch of beautiful children, a loving gospel-centered husband, and a strong family life.
A small part of me actually felt relieved when I found out - at least now I had an explanation for why he and I together did not have a spiritual relationship. I had forced us to go through the motions on and off for our entire marriage, but we still didn't have a spiritual home - and that was evident in a lot of our other family and parenting problems. He was never the spiritual leader that I thought I had married. At first I felt like 'not I know the source' of so much of my continual pain, and I felt it was a fixable source.
That quickly changed as I learned more about pornography, as I learned more about the scope of my husband's problems, and especially as I couldn't find anyone who coudl share long-term hope from their own experiences. It is so painful to be thrown into this battle alone - all the grief, confusion, pain, and the endless list of torturing emotions. You can't tell people what's going on - he didn't want to, and frankly, I wasn't sure there was anyone in my life who could really understand without passing judgements on him that could have lasting consequences. Feeling so alone was probably the worst part for me. I wanted to ball to everyone in my life who knew me and loved me, but I couldn't. Sometimes they could tell I was a wreck, but I couldn't tell them why - just that 'life was hard'.
In the first few months after I caught him (he didn't tell me, I had to play detective) I learned more and more about the double life he led. He had secret bank accounts, he spent thousands of dollars (which is A LOT for our finances) on things he wanted. He went to horrible movies on his lunch break. He had smoked marijuana while we were married - WHAT?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I'll be completely honest here - I did that in high school - I was very rebellious, had lots of problems, and that is a part of my past. But it was in HIGH SCHOOL and never for even a fraction of a second have I ever looked back and thought I would do that again - not in a million years! We were married in the temple, which first implies a level of sacrifice to be worthy, but also we made covenants to eachother and God. I repented of my past over a decade ago. That was just crazy. He also did other things that were illegal - I'm scared to even write them! Who does that?
My life was unraveling much faster than I was prepared for. I never could've even dreamed all this up. And I won't even try to describe the web of lies that I dug and scraped through to finally figure all these things out. Somehow I never was able to find evidence of him doing any acting out with real people - he said he'd considered going into a strip club, but didn't - but how am I supposed to believe that? I got a little crazy once and called a bunch of his female contacts from work - acting like I had accidentally called the wrong contact. It has only been in the last few months that I finally believe him about that. How could I have before? It didn't matter how much 'clean' evidence there ever was for me to find. I couldn't believe him until I was convinced spiritually. Amazingly enough, he has finally started living in such a way that I desire to be better because of how devoted he is. For the first 7 years of our marriage I never thought that could be possible. But now when he looks me in the eyes and tells me something, I can believe him. I asked him a few months ago for the final time about the 'real people' interactions, and finally, I believe him.
His most recent relapse was in the fall while on a trip for a job interview. He watched an R rated movie in his hotel room and acted on it. He voluntarily told me a few weeks later and since then has worked obviously aggressively harder to fortify himself spiritually everyday.
I have finally returned to a point emotionally where I feel like thigns could really be okay - things coudl really turn out like I had hoped. There is love in my marriage again - probably more than there ever was to begin with in some ways. I have started feeling the spirit WITH my husband and not just on my own without him. I am starting to be able to share spiritual feeling siwth him and discuss promptings and ideas. But, as I'm going to elaborate on in a minute - it hasn't been my husband's better decision-making that has made things okay for me. I had to learn a harder lesson first - I had to be 'okay' for myself, and I had to get there long before he started to really show change.
Things aren't perfect. He still drives me crazy in lots of ways that probably any husband would. We still get frustrated with each other often. And life is still hard - man - major major challenges still in other parts of life that are totally unrelated to this. BUT, life is finally hard in a way that can still feel okay. I can still have peace.
I share this story becaue I want to be the hand reaching back from a little ways up the road telling you that there is hope. Life can be okay again - we are living proof. I do have to reiterate though, life turned around inside of me a long time before it turned around for my husband. He went to counseling and read things that I asked him to, but he didn't really try to recover for a long time. I think losing his job was one of the final straws in bringing him the humility he needed to depend on the Lord and really work to make things better.
Before things were okay with my husband, I invested a lot of effort trying to find a way for my life to be okay REGARDLESS of him - and what a painful journey. It seemed to impossible for me to be happy and hopeful about life when the thing that was ruining it was out of my control to fix. How could I be okay when everything - my entire future here on earth and after - depended on my stupid husband and his horrible decision-making? It seemed so impossible. My only solace was the aggressive pursuit of a doctrinal solution. I read many books, but the most helpful was "Lord I Believe; help you my unbelief" by Ron Jeppsen. While reading that book and working through all the questions in the workbook sections (it was like my own personal therapist), I highlighted every scriptural reference and started keeping track of those scriptures and studying them for my personal study. I had to find a lot of strength to study and pray when what I often wanted to do more than anything else was die or not exist anymore - and I very well might've if I hadn't known my children would end up in the care of my in-laws :). But for the sake of protecting my children, I soldiered on and just begged Heavenly Father over and over to take away the pain and help me see how the gospel could make things okay for me even with my husband not holding up his end of the deal with our covenants. And, in time - throuch continued prayer and study, it became more and more clear. Heavenly Father erally did help me see that with or without the devotion of my husband, I woudl be okay. Letting that become my reality has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have forgotten it over and over as I have struggled with my husband's problems and my own weaknesses and feelings of worthlessness. Heavenly Father has continued to guid my studies to fortify me in the ways that I need. And, as I grew stronger, so did the peace in my life. In time my husband started coming around too - especially when he lost his job. But, I believe Heavenly Father wanted me to learn first for myself that my well-being and my happiness and peace depend on me - not on my husband (and of course it can only come through the Savior, but I have to choose to invite that healing in, and hold to the rod myself - then let Heavenly Father work everything else out).
I don't want to skip over the fact that we also used a lot of supplemental tools to help aid this process along. Everything from counseling for him, for me, and for us together, talk tapes, books and books and more books, medication (I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline post-traumatic stress syndrome) the church's 12 step program, Ensign talks, documentaries on BYU TV about pornography and addiction recovery, support groups online, support groups in person (my husband never actually went, but the wives group was helpful for me), and a lot of perserverance. We pretty much have used every resource we can get our hands on - it's like a part-time job. But the effort is so worth it when you start feeling the healing.
It hurts me inside to know that so many women will have to continue on in life without having their husbands make necessary changes. But I want wives of addicts to know that things might get better for your husband, and they can definitely get better for you. I don't want to minimize your pain in any way because I know - it was literally almost the end of me. But I want to testify as strongly as I can that Heavenly Father has peace for you - never-ending-love that he wants to fill your heart with. I think He lets us grieve - people need to do that, but He doesn't intend for us to do this all alone.
I woudl love my circumstances to be a source of hope for anyone who needs it. Not all hopes come to fruition, but sometimes they can serve a purpose anyways just by giving us the strength to keep going.
If you are a wife of an addict, I love you. I woudl love to be a listening ear, a virtual-style shoulder to cry on :), a resource to help you find more resources that are available - anything I can offer. When this first his for me, I really longed for just one person that I could connect with who would really hear me out through everything. I eventually did find that, and I'd love to offer that to any of you.
Love,
Me
Saturday, September 27, 2008
September 27th 2008
The book that I am reading, "Lord I Believe; Helph Thou My Unbelief" is trying to help me recover from my husband's pornography addiction, and it encourages me to write a journal about my emotions. At this point I think I could already practically write a book about my emotions. It has been so insane & turbulent I can't even describe.
On July 17th, 2008, my husband didn't come to bed with me - as usual. I was very mad at him on this particular night. I can't even remember why. BUT, when he came to bed around 3am, I was so mad. I couldn't go back to sleep and it made me mad how comfortably he sleeps even when I'm upset. So, I got up. I was racking my brain with frstration and decided that I wanted to know what he cared about so much more than me - and that's when I went downstairs to check out his computer. I tried to open up the internet history, and when it was blank - that's when my stomach sank. I quickly found a software that claimed it could recover deleted history, and set it all up. By around 4:00 I was just nauseated. I could barely cry. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was all so disturbing - the words that he had searched for may never leave my mind - even certain girls by name. I was so disgusted. If he knows them by name then obviously this is nothing new. I was mad too - it took only seconds for me to feel so ugly and disappointed with my own body and sexuality - I felt worse about it than I ever had in my whole life. Why would he want anything to do with me if that is what he is attracted to. The other emotion that hit right from the beginning was "duh" - no wonder all these years I have been trying to encourage him, trying to increase our spirituality, trying to help him establish habits of gospel study & prayer. I had tried so many things in the last 6 years, and felt like a total failure. No wonder. I also specifically remembered a few years ago when I had been wondering a whole bunch if he was possibly doing something like that. I would lay on the floor of the family room, looking through the air vent at him in the basement and just wishing I coudl figure out a way to rig up a mirror or soemthing so that I could see his computer screen. At that time he was also going down there pretty much every single night. The saddest part about that wasn't that I didn't catch him then so this could all stop sooner. The sad part was that I got so mad at myself for being so judgemental towards him. I was really hard on myself about it and wished that I could be a more loving, more Christlike person.
How coudl he think I was so worthless? Why didn't I see the warning signs when we were dating and run away? If Heavenly Father had a do-over button, I would push it. My kids still have spirits and they woudl have parents who Heavenly Father could set up their lives with the way they need. Maybe then they wouldn't have to have the repercussions of this horrible evil. Maybe I could've had the life that I have sacrificed for, worked for, and dreamed of for a very long time.
So, my husband is addicted to pornography. He started at age 14 and tried to conquer it on his own a few times. He thought he had before his mission, but even then he struggled. When we got engaged he tried again to overcome it again, and thought he had. He thought he would be okay after marriage ((((editorial comment: most mormons, especially those who marry in the temple, abstain from sexual relations until they are married)))). We were married in the temple - but the whole thing feels so fraudulent now.
I feel like I was very wise and mature in our first conversation about it. I did wake him up during the middle of the night and make him come downstairs to talk - but after initially being upset, I quickly calmed totally down when I saw how upset he was. He cried hysterically. It was so good to see him have sincere emotion - but was it really sincere? Isn't he emotionally dead by now? . . . Anyways, I felt the spirit guiding me as I told him, "I don't hate you" after he said, "you don't know how much I hate myself". I felt like after all these years of trying so hard, I had finally found out why nothing I tried had ever made a difference - how could it when he is practically spiritually dead from the pornography addiction. I felt like now there was a problem we could solve and then get on with the happy spiritual and productive life I had always wanted. I felt a lot of hope at first. Dan emailed the Bishop the next morning (a few hours after our conversation) and met with him that evening. Unfortunately I didn't even get to see the Bishop and talk to him about it until a whole month later.
I feel like I did a really good job for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, the more that I read and researched (lds.net support group for wives of PA, ldsr blog & ldsr email group plus as many Ensign articles as I could find on it) the more that I learned that, just like alcoholism, people don't really recover from this - they are addicts for life, and a few of them make it to 'addicts in recovery'. The more I learned and read, the more my hopes were crushed. I haven't found anyone online that was actually sharing a success story to help people like me have hope. I have always wanted to be like the Xxxxx's, the Xxxxx's, the Xxx's, (((((names of couples I look up to))))), my Grandparents, the Xxxx's - and I have always (in my adult life) looked to people like this and tried over and over in a million different ways - tried to see if I coudl emulate something about how they live their lives. I try to do things the way they do, because I want to be someone who builds up others and the gospel in my own home, in my ward, and in the community the way that they do.I have tried and tried, but what good can it do when now for the rest of my life I get to be worried about just helpming my husband stay out of pornography - it's a battle for life that will very much interfere with how I wanted to be. My husband doesn't want to be like Xx Xxxxxx, or Xxx Xxxxx. He has repeatedly told me that how I wanted him to be (aka not materialistic) is like a monk. Anyways, I wanted to be someone wh ocould raise a great family and then do other great things, but I feel like it isn't even possible - especially considering the effort (or lack thereof) that he is willing to invest.
Anyways, back to learning about his problem. So, I find out, and a week later we go to Xxxx, then we come back and do Youth Conference, then I get released from my calling (YW President), then his parents come visit, then I go to Xxxxx to see my parents - and somehow I knew he would relaps. He said he didn't look at porn on his phone because it was too slow, but now that the computer had a blocker, of course he would. Who was he trying to fool? So, while I'm on my trip I try to keep an eye on his activity over the internet and I figure out (I finally ran a credit check) that he has a credit card I don't even know about, and he has been very busy with it on Paypal. I called him and told him that he needed to get straight with me, and that I wanted complete honesty and nothing but. So, he proceeded to try to figure out what I had discovered that would make me so upset with him. He just went on and on about "is it related to the sexual stuff? I'm sure it couldn't be anything sexual because I've told you everything" He said 'it' coudln't be anything sexual like 8 times and then I finally got him talking. I had to grab a pen to keep track of all the things I got him to tell me. I just kept saying - "that's not what I found - there's something more than that". He knew I knew something, so he slowly told me things, one by one - I practically had to drag them out of him: - lots of purchases I didn't know about - lots of ebay stuff - he cashed the check from auto insurance for his 'back injury' - he still hasn't told me how much that was. But he did let me know that by chance he had already spent it all - of course - down to $60 cash left (do I believe that?) - when we refinanced they messed up and sent a bunch of checks to us afterwards (thousands of dollars) and he spent that too - he had a private credit card that I didn't know about - guns (2 I didn't know about, plus the one I did know he had actually cost $950 instead of the $500 he told me when he bought it) - ammo (I have no idea how much, but he doesn't tend to exercise restraint with stuff like that . . . or anything else for that matter) - ((((for purposes of anonymity, I'll leave out the rest of the details I wrote about his purchases, but let me just say it was a TON of crap - and the money was spent in ways that I couldn't even aspire to if I tried. I'm a very frugal spender and have never bought myself anything major that was actually just for me since we've been married)))) - then all of the sudden he tells me that he has been using his cell phone to look at porn - BUT WAIT - he assured me so many times that there was nothing sexual - such a lovely honest man. And next - you know that $2500 TV that I hate with a passion and never wanted to buy, well, I can hate it even more now because it picks up porn that the neighbor watches and Dan's been watching that too somehow - oh ya - and he goes to see nasty movies at lunch all the time, and when he goes into bookstores he looks at some kind of sex books - I don't even know what that would be, but don't worry, it couldn't possibly be anything else sexual, because he has told me everything already. How am I supposed to believe anything he says? And yet my whole future (and my children's entire future too) rests in his dirty hands. This is the first time that my life has depended so much upon the choices of someone else - before it was always up to me if I am happy and living with job - but now he gets to choose. Yes, I know that I can choose to be happy, but I can't choose to have a healthy marriage, a patriarch in my home, a good example for my kids, or even a secure future - and what' the point of being 'happy' if my kids don't even get to have a strong spiritual foundation for their own lives?
Later on that night he also told me that ((((I'm editing these parts out for identity purposes. He could loose the possibility of ever working again if I elaborate too much on the ways he misued the trusts of his employment position - but not in a way that hurt anyone else, just that he had access to resources that he shouldn't have used, but he did. He even used them in a way that potentially put me at risk - and definitely in a way that was very very illegal)))) And, after I questioned him about it a week or so later, he also admitted to ((((okay, there's more)))). He says he only did that once, but I believe that about as much as I believe anything else he's ever told me in our entire marriage. Oh ya, and he drinks coffee - way to go, mormon husband.
After learning all that, I felt like I didn't even know who I was married to. He has a whole other life that is totally secret. No wonder he wasn't interested in me and all I am is a nuisance to him. I drive him crazy with my loneliness because he has another world that I dont' even know about. Why does he even have a family? It doesn't really seem like he wants us.
So now here I am and he is almost trying to do a few things. He is willing to fall asleep in praying position on some nights. He HAS been making sure that we have couples prayer pretty consistently, but he gets mad at me for praying too long - he always has. He says that he reads his scriptures in the car, but he hasn't once talked to me about anything he has read. Every night he gets settled to waste the night away with TV & internet until I request that we do something productive and then he wanst to know what I want to do. His initiative is so minimal. I read a list today in my book of how to know if he is serious about changing or not, and he didn't do very well. I wish he could see what I see. I need to know that things will be okay for the kids. I can't let them have a porn addict for a Dad. I know how it is to have a dud of a Dad, and how it can affect how a child turns out. My kids need better opportunity than that. Do I need to get them out? Or is he serious about fixing his whole life. He doesn't want to make sacrifices, he just wants to modify how he doest stuff (and not do porn of course). He still wants all this crap in his life, and he can't see how anything else in the world could make him happy like his hobbies - *GAG* - he is so materialistic. Ladies in my online support group (lds.net) call this porn fog - it nauseates me. His reality is so distorted.
Well, that's probably enough for a first entry. But, to answer the question of what good choices or small things have I done for my own healing? (as asked in the book) - Today I have read a whole bunch in Lord I Believe . . . , and done a lot of writing activities in the workbook sections. I also started this journal ((((not the blog, but a typed journal at home)))). In about an hour I will read scriptures for 20 minutes or so. I have knealt in prayer, specifically asking for inspiration to recognize things the Lord would have me know to help with all of this in the messages at the Relief Society Broadcast that I'm going to tonight. I will pray again before going to bed. I have also read encouraging words on my different web communities.
On July 17th, 2008, my husband didn't come to bed with me - as usual. I was very mad at him on this particular night. I can't even remember why. BUT, when he came to bed around 3am, I was so mad. I couldn't go back to sleep and it made me mad how comfortably he sleeps even when I'm upset. So, I got up. I was racking my brain with frstration and decided that I wanted to know what he cared about so much more than me - and that's when I went downstairs to check out his computer. I tried to open up the internet history, and when it was blank - that's when my stomach sank. I quickly found a software that claimed it could recover deleted history, and set it all up. By around 4:00 I was just nauseated. I could barely cry. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was all so disturbing - the words that he had searched for may never leave my mind - even certain girls by name. I was so disgusted. If he knows them by name then obviously this is nothing new. I was mad too - it took only seconds for me to feel so ugly and disappointed with my own body and sexuality - I felt worse about it than I ever had in my whole life. Why would he want anything to do with me if that is what he is attracted to. The other emotion that hit right from the beginning was "duh" - no wonder all these years I have been trying to encourage him, trying to increase our spirituality, trying to help him establish habits of gospel study & prayer. I had tried so many things in the last 6 years, and felt like a total failure. No wonder. I also specifically remembered a few years ago when I had been wondering a whole bunch if he was possibly doing something like that. I would lay on the floor of the family room, looking through the air vent at him in the basement and just wishing I coudl figure out a way to rig up a mirror or soemthing so that I could see his computer screen. At that time he was also going down there pretty much every single night. The saddest part about that wasn't that I didn't catch him then so this could all stop sooner. The sad part was that I got so mad at myself for being so judgemental towards him. I was really hard on myself about it and wished that I could be a more loving, more Christlike person.
How coudl he think I was so worthless? Why didn't I see the warning signs when we were dating and run away? If Heavenly Father had a do-over button, I would push it. My kids still have spirits and they woudl have parents who Heavenly Father could set up their lives with the way they need. Maybe then they wouldn't have to have the repercussions of this horrible evil. Maybe I could've had the life that I have sacrificed for, worked for, and dreamed of for a very long time.
So, my husband is addicted to pornography. He started at age 14 and tried to conquer it on his own a few times. He thought he had before his mission, but even then he struggled. When we got engaged he tried again to overcome it again, and thought he had. He thought he would be okay after marriage ((((editorial comment: most mormons, especially those who marry in the temple, abstain from sexual relations until they are married)))). We were married in the temple - but the whole thing feels so fraudulent now.
I feel like I was very wise and mature in our first conversation about it. I did wake him up during the middle of the night and make him come downstairs to talk - but after initially being upset, I quickly calmed totally down when I saw how upset he was. He cried hysterically. It was so good to see him have sincere emotion - but was it really sincere? Isn't he emotionally dead by now? . . . Anyways, I felt the spirit guiding me as I told him, "I don't hate you" after he said, "you don't know how much I hate myself". I felt like after all these years of trying so hard, I had finally found out why nothing I tried had ever made a difference - how could it when he is practically spiritually dead from the pornography addiction. I felt like now there was a problem we could solve and then get on with the happy spiritual and productive life I had always wanted. I felt a lot of hope at first. Dan emailed the Bishop the next morning (a few hours after our conversation) and met with him that evening. Unfortunately I didn't even get to see the Bishop and talk to him about it until a whole month later.
I feel like I did a really good job for the first few weeks. Unfortunately, the more that I read and researched (lds.net support group for wives of PA, ldsr blog & ldsr email group plus as many Ensign articles as I could find on it) the more that I learned that, just like alcoholism, people don't really recover from this - they are addicts for life, and a few of them make it to 'addicts in recovery'. The more I learned and read, the more my hopes were crushed. I haven't found anyone online that was actually sharing a success story to help people like me have hope. I have always wanted to be like the Xxxxx's, the Xxxxx's, the Xxx's, (((((names of couples I look up to))))), my Grandparents, the Xxxx's - and I have always (in my adult life) looked to people like this and tried over and over in a million different ways - tried to see if I coudl emulate something about how they live their lives. I try to do things the way they do, because I want to be someone who builds up others and the gospel in my own home, in my ward, and in the community the way that they do.I have tried and tried, but what good can it do when now for the rest of my life I get to be worried about just helpming my husband stay out of pornography - it's a battle for life that will very much interfere with how I wanted to be. My husband doesn't want to be like Xx Xxxxxx, or Xxx Xxxxx. He has repeatedly told me that how I wanted him to be (aka not materialistic) is like a monk. Anyways, I wanted to be someone wh ocould raise a great family and then do other great things, but I feel like it isn't even possible - especially considering the effort (or lack thereof) that he is willing to invest.
Anyways, back to learning about his problem. So, I find out, and a week later we go to Xxxx, then we come back and do Youth Conference, then I get released from my calling (YW President), then his parents come visit, then I go to Xxxxx to see my parents - and somehow I knew he would relaps. He said he didn't look at porn on his phone because it was too slow, but now that the computer had a blocker, of course he would. Who was he trying to fool? So, while I'm on my trip I try to keep an eye on his activity over the internet and I figure out (I finally ran a credit check) that he has a credit card I don't even know about, and he has been very busy with it on Paypal. I called him and told him that he needed to get straight with me, and that I wanted complete honesty and nothing but. So, he proceeded to try to figure out what I had discovered that would make me so upset with him. He just went on and on about "is it related to the sexual stuff? I'm sure it couldn't be anything sexual because I've told you everything" He said 'it' coudln't be anything sexual like 8 times and then I finally got him talking. I had to grab a pen to keep track of all the things I got him to tell me. I just kept saying - "that's not what I found - there's something more than that". He knew I knew something, so he slowly told me things, one by one - I practically had to drag them out of him: - lots of purchases I didn't know about - lots of ebay stuff - he cashed the check from auto insurance for his 'back injury' - he still hasn't told me how much that was. But he did let me know that by chance he had already spent it all - of course - down to $60 cash left (do I believe that?) - when we refinanced they messed up and sent a bunch of checks to us afterwards (thousands of dollars) and he spent that too - he had a private credit card that I didn't know about - guns (2 I didn't know about, plus the one I did know he had actually cost $950 instead of the $500 he told me when he bought it) - ammo (I have no idea how much, but he doesn't tend to exercise restraint with stuff like that . . . or anything else for that matter) - ((((for purposes of anonymity, I'll leave out the rest of the details I wrote about his purchases, but let me just say it was a TON of crap - and the money was spent in ways that I couldn't even aspire to if I tried. I'm a very frugal spender and have never bought myself anything major that was actually just for me since we've been married)))) - then all of the sudden he tells me that he has been using his cell phone to look at porn - BUT WAIT - he assured me so many times that there was nothing sexual - such a lovely honest man. And next - you know that $2500 TV that I hate with a passion and never wanted to buy, well, I can hate it even more now because it picks up porn that the neighbor watches and Dan's been watching that too somehow - oh ya - and he goes to see nasty movies at lunch all the time, and when he goes into bookstores he looks at some kind of sex books - I don't even know what that would be, but don't worry, it couldn't possibly be anything else sexual, because he has told me everything already. How am I supposed to believe anything he says? And yet my whole future (and my children's entire future too) rests in his dirty hands. This is the first time that my life has depended so much upon the choices of someone else - before it was always up to me if I am happy and living with job - but now he gets to choose. Yes, I know that I can choose to be happy, but I can't choose to have a healthy marriage, a patriarch in my home, a good example for my kids, or even a secure future - and what' the point of being 'happy' if my kids don't even get to have a strong spiritual foundation for their own lives?
Later on that night he also told me that ((((I'm editing these parts out for identity purposes. He could loose the possibility of ever working again if I elaborate too much on the ways he misued the trusts of his employment position - but not in a way that hurt anyone else, just that he had access to resources that he shouldn't have used, but he did. He even used them in a way that potentially put me at risk - and definitely in a way that was very very illegal)))) And, after I questioned him about it a week or so later, he also admitted to ((((okay, there's more)))). He says he only did that once, but I believe that about as much as I believe anything else he's ever told me in our entire marriage. Oh ya, and he drinks coffee - way to go, mormon husband.
After learning all that, I felt like I didn't even know who I was married to. He has a whole other life that is totally secret. No wonder he wasn't interested in me and all I am is a nuisance to him. I drive him crazy with my loneliness because he has another world that I dont' even know about. Why does he even have a family? It doesn't really seem like he wants us.
So now here I am and he is almost trying to do a few things. He is willing to fall asleep in praying position on some nights. He HAS been making sure that we have couples prayer pretty consistently, but he gets mad at me for praying too long - he always has. He says that he reads his scriptures in the car, but he hasn't once talked to me about anything he has read. Every night he gets settled to waste the night away with TV & internet until I request that we do something productive and then he wanst to know what I want to do. His initiative is so minimal. I read a list today in my book of how to know if he is serious about changing or not, and he didn't do very well. I wish he could see what I see. I need to know that things will be okay for the kids. I can't let them have a porn addict for a Dad. I know how it is to have a dud of a Dad, and how it can affect how a child turns out. My kids need better opportunity than that. Do I need to get them out? Or is he serious about fixing his whole life. He doesn't want to make sacrifices, he just wants to modify how he doest stuff (and not do porn of course). He still wants all this crap in his life, and he can't see how anything else in the world could make him happy like his hobbies - *GAG* - he is so materialistic. Ladies in my online support group (lds.net) call this porn fog - it nauseates me. His reality is so distorted.
Well, that's probably enough for a first entry. But, to answer the question of what good choices or small things have I done for my own healing? (as asked in the book) - Today I have read a whole bunch in Lord I Believe . . . , and done a lot of writing activities in the workbook sections. I also started this journal ((((not the blog, but a typed journal at home)))). In about an hour I will read scriptures for 20 minutes or so. I have knealt in prayer, specifically asking for inspiration to recognize things the Lord would have me know to help with all of this in the messages at the Relief Society Broadcast that I'm going to tonight. I will pray again before going to bed. I have also read encouraging words on my different web communities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)